December 1, 2012 up to this date, I never feel that Christmas is coming
Thinking that Christmas is just for little kids at home. On that particular date, I lost my first unborn child. I never get enough of it until I’ve found out that Christmas season will never be same.
I am so happy to see couples who are trying their best to make this season happy for their little kids. I am so happy for them but not for myself. I am close to celebrate every Christmas seasons, turning 6 years now. I don’t feel the drive to be happy. Am I bitter? “Absolutely yes” (I answered). But no, I am still happy to celebrate it with no further effort just me and my husband. We love kids but we are not blessed enough to have our own.
I am just posting this to express myself and not to encourage others to become bitter like me. There are so much things to be thankful.
- Like having a stable budget to sustain our needs.
- The job that I have even though I am starting to lose my drive to dedicate myself towards my duties. I love my remote job than my stable job because it brings my creativity.
- I love my husband even though at times I am so pissed off him getting drunk.
- I love my family who understand my introvert behavior and being outspoken if issues arise within us.
- I love my colleagues at work, the only friends at work who tolerates my absences.
- I love being me who move further and beyond my limits.
The process of overcoming my emotional and mental health is a true journey. Struggling to be okay even it is not. Nobody knows but I know, I have my own shadow to deal with. That is why being a lost soul in Christmas is not something about happiness but dealing with myself. Fighting to follow what’s my heart desire and not forcing myself to be someone not me.
A lost soul who is watching the Christmas season coming without a spark of happiness.
-Doodle Blogger
Doodle Your Life 